Questions and Curiosity: A Powerful Combination

Questions…we all ask them.  Curiosity…we all have it.  Both are necessary to help others rewrite their story for clarity and God’s glory.

We ask questions to keep us from being biased and faulty in our pursuit of another.  Our questions want to bring understanding for the person and for their story. 

The best way to tackle this is by being curious, “I wonder what I don’t know about their story?”  When assumptions (believing something to be true without proof or taking something upon yourself) are made, this certainty locks us out of their story.  Curiosity lets us in to their story/life.

The Importance of Curiosity:

1.    Curiosity is an invitation to become.

2.    Curiosity wants to explore another’s glory for the glory of God.

3.    Curiosity engages another and is rarely confrontational.

4.    Curiosity conquers evil by doing good.  It does not respond in “like” kind (evil) that leaves another with nothing.

5.    Curiosity asks questions that change relationships.

6.    Curiosity will keep you from being backed into a corner and provoking defensiveness. Defensiveness opens the door to evil. The best defense is curiosity.

a.    Curiosity is an invitation for others to be more human or to be more cruel. 

b.    Curiosity calls people to choose and invites them to desire.

   

We want to become a “Columbo”.  If there is ever a time to “dumb-up” this could be it!  Your curiosity comes with an “I don’t get it mentality.”  Ask questions that cause the other to think and clarify for you.  “I am curious about the word/phrase_______you have mentioned (more than once), would you tell us more about that?” 

Our questions want to bring them back to their story/a particular scene that involves the senses: touch, hear, taste, see or smell.  Our questions engage another so that they are the “expert” in the answer.  We want to facilitate others to be the authority of their story.

Our questions will require us to be “Wise as serpents and Gentle as doves.”  It is and/both.  Sounds a bit like Truth and Grace!

Below are some principles about asking questions from Making Small Groups Work. Page 162.

*If understanding is lost, connection is lost.  If you are confused, someone else probably is as well.  Use the group as a thermometer to see how clear something is.

*Seek the clear meaning of any ambiguity.  Resist making assumptions.

*Ask questions about the emotions you see  (anger, sadness, joy, contempt) and ask questions about emotional issues (relationships, divorce, addictions).

*Seek clarification when someone gives you conflicting data.

*Seek out the thinking behind what people say.

*Sometimes repeating the person’s word leads to more information.

*If you feel lost in the mire, say so.

*If there are gaps in the information, ask about them.

 My hope is that your questions and curiosity cause others to ponder, not just about their story, but places in their heart where life comes alive to Him.

The Journey

In just a couple weeks it will be time once again for The Journey conference in Michigan. To me, spring feels like a particularly fitting time for The Journey. I attended my first Journey conference in the spring 10 years ago. I remember well the feeling of newness and change, life from places of death – images we witness in creation all around us during this time of year.

Spring, with its new buds and early flowers moves into the warm days of summer, summer gives way to fall with its blazing colors, then winter’s dormant months pass slowly until the whole cycle begins again. So too, I move through the scenes of life and death in my story, moving from desolation and grief, to hope and new growth. The journey I began more than a decade ago continues, and will continue as long as I breathe. While I have seen and felt the assurance that life will come from death, setting out on a new path in this life-long journey is never easy.

The reality I have experienced seems to be that this journey towards truth, healing, restoration and the recognition of our story as part of God’s ongoing redemption story is one that brings significant opposition. A poem that spoke this truth to my heart several years ago came to mind again recently, when a friend gave me a book of Mary Oliver’s poems. I found in it the poem I remembered, and offer it to all of you who are setting out on your own journeys. May you have the courage to leave the voices of discouragement behind, and start walking towards life.

“The Journey” by Mary Oliver

One day you final knew

what you had to do, and began,

though the voices around you

kept shouting

their bad advice –

though the whole house

began to tremble

and you felt the old tug

at your ankles.

“Mend my life!”

each voice cried.

But you didn’t stop.

You knew what you had to do,

though the wind pried

with its still fingers

at the very foundations –

though their melancholy

was terrible.

It was already late

enough, and a wild night,

and the road full of fallen

branches and stones.

But little by little,

as you left their voices behind,

the stars began to burn

through the sheets of clouds,

and there was a new voice,

which you slowly

recognized as your own,

that kept you company

as you strode deeper and deeper

into the world,

determined to do

the only thing you could do –

determined to save

the only life you could save.

posted by Janet Stark 

Thoughts on giving "Feedback"

I've been reading Brene' Brown's "Daring Greatly," a wonderful book that I highly recommend.

I found this list on her website and thought you might enjoy it and find it helpful as you engage with those you lead and in your every day lives!

"Daring Greatly Engaged Feedback Check List"

1. I am ready to sit next to you, rather than across from you.
2. I am willing to put the problem in front of us, rather than between us, or sliding it toward you.
3. I am ready to listen, ask questions, and accept that I may not fully understand the problem.
4. I want to acknowledge what you do well, instead of picking apart your mistakes.
5. I recognize your strengths and how you can use them to address your challenges.
6. I can hold you accountable without shaming or blaming you.
7. I am willing to own my part.  
8. I can genuinely thank you for your efforts, rather than criticize you for your failings.
9. I can talk about how resolving these challenges can lead to your growth and opportunity.
10. I can model the vulnerability and openness that I expect to see from you.

                                                                           taken from "Daring Greatly by Brene' Brown

Such practical and great reminders for how I want to engage my world!

posted by Tracy Johnson

Quotable Quotes

                              

                                                       

Interesting…I was viewing my document files and I came upon some of the life changing quotes that I have heard sprinkled throughout the many years of attending The Journey.  I don’t even know where some of them came from but they have really impacted my life.  As The April Journey is soon to be upon us I thought these “quotable quotes” would inspire you. Allow yourself the freedom to feel whatever these “quotables” provoke in you…Maybe even laugh, cry or ponder over how God has used them in your life.  Most of all ENJOY!

Sometimes I need to give up my right to be right.

Understanding oneself can be a path to intimacy with God.

Sometimes it is better to DO right, than to BE right.

Shame is an idol that commands me to dance around it - I choose truth

instead.

Longings keep my heart tender toward God and others.

Love is weeping with those who weep and laughing with those who laugh.

Let my beauty draw them to God.

People don't stop playing because they get old,

they get old because they stop playing.

Time to pull up your big boy/girl pants.

Who or what is in control?

Whether you think you can or think you can't, you are most likely right.

All mistakes are redeemable.

The problem is not the problem.  The real problem is much

worse.

.

 Celebrate without apology.

 God can heal people in spite of us.

I am worth more than what I have done wrong.

Allow God to touch you through His people where you need to be

touched.

I allowed God's people to see what I fear, and they strengthened my

hope.

The only limit to the grace I experience is my willingness to

confess.

Wounds become places of beauty in our Savior's hands.

What I thought was weakness has become the richest love I can offer.

God doesn't make mistakes - and he uses ours to bring out something good!

Silence is violence.

Anyone who has addictions is very self-absorbed.

Am I living the story of my abuse or my redemption?

Effective rebuilding can only come from a broken heart.

Content + Feeling = Connection

Everything held in secret is bound up in shame.

Conflict + Resolution = Intimacy

I can be dangerous for some people, but I am NOT dangerous for all people.

Addiction is the wrong answer to "Who am I?"

Contempt is my attempt to cover my shame without the grace of God.

Self-contempt: "I have to make the adjustment to make my world work."

Other-centered contempt: "You have to make the adjustment to make my world work."

We're more afraid of the secret than we are of the sin.

Change is hunger-based.

Recovery is "I WILL NOT HIDE ANYMORE!"--

Knowing oneself can be a path to intimacy with God.

 People in group:  Make it happen.  Watch it happen.  Wonder: What happened?

What we resist persists.

Ambiditchterous

by Mary Jane Hamilton

Greeting the New Year with Gratitude

The pace is quick here at the OHM offices.  The new year has arrived and with it our couples intensive is just around the corner in late January and the Texas Journey is merely six weeks away!  Deanna's desk is piled high with stacks of paper for the upcoming events.

Amy and I spent much of the morning brainstorming about our couples ministry and the journey guide we will want to write.  Over the past 8 years many books have been read, groups held, talks written and ideas tossed around.  We've used techniques and tools brought to us from others who have worked with married coupled for years.  We are grateful for those who have "gone before us".  And, today we are working more on our own original ideas.

As we sat in my office having a lively and fun conversation about some new "exercises" for couples Mark wandered in and sat down cross legged on the floor.

He had just printed the final numbers for the end of the year giving.

It was a time of gratitude and hope.

We are grateful for the generous gifts from so many in our OHM family.

We're looking forward to what lies ahead with hope and anticipation.

And now, I must return to all of this.....

Make Your Year End Gift Today

Open Hearts Ministry needs your support to ensure that we continue to advance in our mission:

Love God and Love Each Other One Story at a time.

We are committed to training small group leaders and pastors to overcome fear and past harm in order to love ferociously. Our impact continues to spread from Kalamazoo to Bejing, to Istanbul, to Cambodia, to new groups in New Braunfels, Texas and many other US cities.

You can make secure online donations or send gifts by mail. Please postmark your gift by December 31st to receive a 2012 tax-deduction. Please make payment to Open Hearts Ministry.  Send checks to:



Open Hearts Ministry

161 E Michigan Ave Suite 600

Kalamazoo, MI 49007

With Gratitude,

Mark P Johnson

Executive Director

markj@ohmin.org

Christmas Blogging - A Gift to be Opened

I’ve been in and out of counseling through the years, experiencing healing in some places, then uncovering new areas to explore on the journey.  After a season of depression during the holiday season last year, I found myself in a spiritual drought and ended up in a counselor’s office once again.  My counselor prayed with me and invited the Holy Spirit to interact with us, to walk back with me and shine some light on the dark places in my life.  As he prayed, I begged God to show me something, to intervene, to make me aware of His presence in some way, but all I could see was darkness. 

               On the drive home, I continued my conversation with God, reminding Him of the testimonies of others who claim to have experienced His immediate presence, asking him why He never seemed to show up like that for me.  I concluded that it was partially because I did not believe that He would.  I searched for the root of that belief and recalled a visual of myself as a child crying myself to sleep.  I’m not sure if my father was an alcoholic, but he drank often on the weekends and fell into fits of rage at my mother when he did.  I remember pulling my pillow over my head at night, sobbing, begging God to make the screaming stop, but God did not seem to answer. 

               As I pondered these memories, it occurred to me how tightly I had clung to the belief that I was not worthy of God’s attention, and scream as loud as I want, He just did not listen to people like me.  I began talking to God about this and by the next day was arguing with him, after all, a little girl asking Him to make the screaming stop certainly seemed like a reasonable request!  Then, before I had thoroughly finished questioning Him, He interrupted my thoughts with these words, “I did.  I gave you Vern.” 

               Vern is my husband of 28 years.  He is a kind and very gentle man with a servant’s heart.  I’ve always been grateful for that, but not as much as I should be.  In the last ten years, I had become somewhat dissatisfied with his passive spirit and often complained about his inability to stand up to me.  But in this moment, in my kitchen, washing dishes, arguing with God, He answered, and presented my husband to me as an incredibly, merciful gift.  I saw him in a completely new light.  That young girl with her head under her pillow had been heard.  God HAD stopped the screaming.  He had given her a husband who would never ever raise his voice at her or put her down, who would give to her without ever asking for return, who would love her in spite of her inclination to be just like her father, who would always encourage her and never ask her to be more than she is.  God met me in the present, walked me back to that bedroom, and handed that little girl a beautifully wrapped package, one that she would have to wait to open, a gift that would one day change her future and help shine a light on the beauty arising amidst the ashes of the past. 

               This holiday season, I am reminded that there is another gift under the tree just waiting to be opened.  As parents often do on Christmas morning, the biggest and best gift is being saved for the last.  Like the gift I had to wait 22 years to open, this one too has already been wrapped, sealed, and marked with my name.  Though the waiting is hard and I sometimes wonder if it will be as satisfying as He claims, I cling to His promise that this one will wipe away every tear and stop the screaming, permanently, for everyone who is willing to receive it.  Thank you Father!