Recently I have been learning more about options for my life and relationships. It has become more apparent that my world is not as big as I thought it was or would like it to be. I have asked myself why is that? What old patterns have slipped back into my life that limit my thinking and responses?
It was because of the October Journey Conference that I was faced with exploring some options. Between preparing for the conference and supervising leaders during small groups, I became aware of where I was starting to squeeze myself into the old shame-based thinking. You see those of us who operate through our shamed-based thoughts, there are no options. Instead life feels restrictive as stress, decision making and responsibility begin to mount. The weeks prior to The Journey I found myself resorting to the familiar thinking that corner me into: yes/no, in/out, right/wrong, good/bad, all/nothing, either/or, black/white. Clearly no options here! Yet predictable and controlled. Waves of insecurity flooded over me as I wondered: How will I navigate these measured thoughts so that God, others and myself will be honored?
You see options consider more than one way to tackle a situation. Options bring others into finding a solution. Options mean asking for help. Options are kind to people and the process. Options modulate stress. Options lead to freedom. Options give others choices. Options are permission giving. And for someone like me, I needed others to help me see past my restricted thinking and explore some options. In doing so I was able to treat myself with kindness and invited others to kindness for themselves. It was like the storm of my mind could settle into a soft breeze that offered a breathe of fresh air. I could rest and be at peace as I embraced others in their hurt and pain. I experienced more joy and sorrow for myself and others. Options truly offered choices while respecting the soul of another. It was a gift I received and gave to others.
So I continue to consider my options. I do not like the corners of my thinking. They are tight places that box me in. The Journey Conference called forth options as I explored the possibilities and probabilities for more. My invitation to you is to consider your options for today. I'll bet you will find the more God has for you and you will discover that life beyond the corners of your mind is abundant and free.
Signed in by: Mary Jane Hamilton
Friday, October 28, 2011
Thursday, October 27, 2011
Remembering the Good Samaritan
I remember walking into the lodge at Maranatha in October 2003, returning for my second experience at what was then called "SALT's". Standing by the registration table was a lovely woman with beautiful blond hair and piercing blue eyes. She greeted me warmly and smiled as she said, "I'm Amy Anderson, you're going to be in my group this time." I knew exactly who Amy was, she had been Mark's first leader when he'd come for the first time 6 months earlier. I'd met her when I came to pick him up at the end of the week.
Her inviting smile and warm hug settled my nervous stomach a bit. That week she fiercely cared for me and fought hard for my heart. At the end of the week I began to imagine what it would be like to have Amy in my life more regularly. I told her in an email that I would love to be a "coffee friend" with her.
Over the past 8 years Amy and I have grown a friendship, and have worked and dreamed together about Open Hearts Ministry. We've co-taught during The Journey, and at various training weekends. We've worked on training curriculum and we spent many hours together working on the new journey guide.
Tuesday night we co-lead a group together for the first time.
I don't think either of us had really realized before that despite all of the MANY things we have done together in ministry we'd never actually lead a group together.
As the women in our group settled into their seats I looked across the room at Amy and for a moment remembered our history. Amy introduced herself and invited the women to share about themselves using the "FORM" format (family, occupation, recreation, ministry). I passed out the new copies of My Journey Begins to each woman in the group. As we moved into the first chapter we had the ladies look at the list of things people have said before about what it feels like to come to a group for the first time. Carefully the women scanned the list picking out one or two things to share. Next we asked them about what they were hoping for as they started this experience. Their responses were all laced with tentative hope, and carefully spoken.
I told my story using the new framing questions we have in the first lesson. I was amazed again at how much could be shared in just ten minutes, and still how much was unspoken in those short ten minutes.
As we finished the group I looked around the circle at the women writing their words on their wooden hearts and remembered what I had heard each of them share throughout the evening. Although none of them told their stories we had learned a great deal about them and what they are each packing as they come to this group. I have some images about their individual suitcases and what they look like. I've seen glimpses of each of them as little girls as they allowed us to peek in on them in the answers they gave to some of the questions.
I was also aware as I taught about the Good Samaritan that one of the first people to really stop for me was sitting across from me. Today, she's my partner in ministry, my peer and my friend, and all those years ago as she led my group she was the Samaritan stopping for me. I believe back then I was more like a drowning victim flailing and fighting to keep my head above water and she was the rescue swimmer grabbing my arms and telling me to stop fighting and let her care for me.
How grateful I am that I have a story of someone stopping for me, a story that now includes me stopping for others.
How grateful I am for the chance to lead a group of ladies through our newly revised manual with Amy.
posted by Tracy Johnson
Her inviting smile and warm hug settled my nervous stomach a bit. That week she fiercely cared for me and fought hard for my heart. At the end of the week I began to imagine what it would be like to have Amy in my life more regularly. I told her in an email that I would love to be a "coffee friend" with her.
Over the past 8 years Amy and I have grown a friendship, and have worked and dreamed together about Open Hearts Ministry. We've co-taught during The Journey, and at various training weekends. We've worked on training curriculum and we spent many hours together working on the new journey guide.
Tuesday night we co-lead a group together for the first time.
I don't think either of us had really realized before that despite all of the MANY things we have done together in ministry we'd never actually lead a group together.
As the women in our group settled into their seats I looked across the room at Amy and for a moment remembered our history. Amy introduced herself and invited the women to share about themselves using the "FORM" format (family, occupation, recreation, ministry). I passed out the new copies of My Journey Begins to each woman in the group. As we moved into the first chapter we had the ladies look at the list of things people have said before about what it feels like to come to a group for the first time. Carefully the women scanned the list picking out one or two things to share. Next we asked them about what they were hoping for as they started this experience. Their responses were all laced with tentative hope, and carefully spoken.
I told my story using the new framing questions we have in the first lesson. I was amazed again at how much could be shared in just ten minutes, and still how much was unspoken in those short ten minutes.
As we finished the group I looked around the circle at the women writing their words on their wooden hearts and remembered what I had heard each of them share throughout the evening. Although none of them told their stories we had learned a great deal about them and what they are each packing as they come to this group. I have some images about their individual suitcases and what they look like. I've seen glimpses of each of them as little girls as they allowed us to peek in on them in the answers they gave to some of the questions.
I was also aware as I taught about the Good Samaritan that one of the first people to really stop for me was sitting across from me. Today, she's my partner in ministry, my peer and my friend, and all those years ago as she led my group she was the Samaritan stopping for me. I believe back then I was more like a drowning victim flailing and fighting to keep my head above water and she was the rescue swimmer grabbing my arms and telling me to stop fighting and let her care for me.
How grateful I am that I have a story of someone stopping for me, a story that now includes me stopping for others.
How grateful I am for the chance to lead a group of ladies through our newly revised manual with Amy.
posted by Tracy Johnson
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Beautiful Things
The weekend began with amazingly beautiful weather, sun shining and warm temperatures. As familiar faces continued to appear on the Maranatha campus I could feel my heart opening up in anticipation of the days ahead.
The leader weekend began with "good gossip", an exercise that includes sharing the ten things you complain about most often followed by the people in your group talking about what they heard you saying as you sit with your back to them. "Good gossip" takes place as they name the beauty and longings they heard underneath your complaints. For me, the results were surprising as I heard words about a common complaint I have turned into something lovely about my heart and how I long to be heard by those who are closest to me.
My "care team" was comprised of those leading My Journey Continues. We are continuing to grow a team that is intimately connected with one another, and familiar with each others stories. The weekend time together had us walking through scenes in our stories finding new opportunities to meet Jesus. Agreements with evil were broken, and there were numerous times that we knew we were in sacred spaces with one another.
Monday morning the entire leader team gathered for a time of communion. The room was filled with broken people, tearfully aware of their individual need for Jesus, approaching the cross with gratitude for His sacrifice. As the music played I watched as the teams of co-leaders walked towards the large cross in the corner of the room, stopping to write down what they wanted to leave nailed there for the week. Bread was dipped in wine and hugs were exchanged as the body and blood of Christ were taken in remembrance of Him.
The Michigan room welcomed over 130 of us gathered to launch The Journey for October 2011. The ages were diverse ranging from a group of young adults to those with graying hair and years of life apparent on their faces. All of them coming in hopes of something different, something more, for their lives.
The room was filled with every type of abuse covered in our manual: Abandonment, Betrayal, Emotional Abuse, Physical Abuse, Satanic Ritual Abuse, Sexual abuse, Spiritual Abuse, Spousal Abuse or Battering.
I had read many of the intake forms for those attending, so while I did not have faces to go with all the names I was holding the memory of what I had read as I greeted people at the door. My heart feeling both anticipation and hope alongside a heavy ache for what I knew was entering the room.
Added to the contents of my heart for the week was the face of my oldest daughter, my first born, attending The Journey for herself. Her presence completes the circle for me, as now I have had both a parent and a child come through the week. I am abused, and an abuser. I have sat with the pain of having someone who has harmed me in the crowd, and I have sat with the pain of having someone I have harmed in the crowd. Standing on the platform to share my story and speak about my depravity and my heart with members of my family sitting in the chairs listening has brought me to my knees and filled my eyes with tears. It has been a place of brokenness and need for me, which is a good place to meet Jesus.
The week concluded with baptisms and celebrating. New life born and acknowledged as an act of hope for those risking to embrace something new for themselves.
I am still recovering from it all, feeling exhausted and holding many things in my heart. Yesterday I stayed in my pajamas as I made chicken soup and baked bread. Kindness for me includes getting some rest, limiting my conversations with people, and enjoying the beauty of last week as opposed to thinking about where I made mistakes.
We used a song from Gungor, Beautiful Things, several times during the week. The lyrics are powerful and reflective of the heart of this ministry. Enjoy listening as you watch some photos from the week....
posted by Tracy Johnson
The leader weekend began with "good gossip", an exercise that includes sharing the ten things you complain about most often followed by the people in your group talking about what they heard you saying as you sit with your back to them. "Good gossip" takes place as they name the beauty and longings they heard underneath your complaints. For me, the results were surprising as I heard words about a common complaint I have turned into something lovely about my heart and how I long to be heard by those who are closest to me.
My "care team" was comprised of those leading My Journey Continues. We are continuing to grow a team that is intimately connected with one another, and familiar with each others stories. The weekend time together had us walking through scenes in our stories finding new opportunities to meet Jesus. Agreements with evil were broken, and there were numerous times that we knew we were in sacred spaces with one another.
Monday morning the entire leader team gathered for a time of communion. The room was filled with broken people, tearfully aware of their individual need for Jesus, approaching the cross with gratitude for His sacrifice. As the music played I watched as the teams of co-leaders walked towards the large cross in the corner of the room, stopping to write down what they wanted to leave nailed there for the week. Bread was dipped in wine and hugs were exchanged as the body and blood of Christ were taken in remembrance of Him.
The Michigan room welcomed over 130 of us gathered to launch The Journey for October 2011. The ages were diverse ranging from a group of young adults to those with graying hair and years of life apparent on their faces. All of them coming in hopes of something different, something more, for their lives.
The room was filled with every type of abuse covered in our manual: Abandonment, Betrayal, Emotional Abuse, Physical Abuse, Satanic Ritual Abuse, Sexual abuse, Spiritual Abuse, Spousal Abuse or Battering.
I had read many of the intake forms for those attending, so while I did not have faces to go with all the names I was holding the memory of what I had read as I greeted people at the door. My heart feeling both anticipation and hope alongside a heavy ache for what I knew was entering the room.
Added to the contents of my heart for the week was the face of my oldest daughter, my first born, attending The Journey for herself. Her presence completes the circle for me, as now I have had both a parent and a child come through the week. I am abused, and an abuser. I have sat with the pain of having someone who has harmed me in the crowd, and I have sat with the pain of having someone I have harmed in the crowd. Standing on the platform to share my story and speak about my depravity and my heart with members of my family sitting in the chairs listening has brought me to my knees and filled my eyes with tears. It has been a place of brokenness and need for me, which is a good place to meet Jesus.
The week concluded with baptisms and celebrating. New life born and acknowledged as an act of hope for those risking to embrace something new for themselves.
I am still recovering from it all, feeling exhausted and holding many things in my heart. Yesterday I stayed in my pajamas as I made chicken soup and baked bread. Kindness for me includes getting some rest, limiting my conversations with people, and enjoying the beauty of last week as opposed to thinking about where I made mistakes.
We used a song from Gungor, Beautiful Things, several times during the week. The lyrics are powerful and reflective of the heart of this ministry. Enjoy listening as you watch some photos from the week....
posted by Tracy Johnson
Monday, October 3, 2011
Not if, when....
We are just a few days away from The Journey for Fall 2011. Leaders will begin to gather in Muskegon on Friday, and the participants will arrive on Monday. It is a time that is exciting, busy and prime for the attacks of the enemy.
Over the years I have learned that the question is not "if" I will experience the attack of the enemy the question is "when". Evil never fails to show up to fuss with me.
Fussing will include unlimited amounts of distraction, disappointment with friends and family, illness, and attacks aimed at taking away my face.
This morning I found myself fussed with and wanting to hide my face, believing the current lie being snarled that my beauty is a joke and it is pointless to try and stay alive and offer my heart to those I love most.
The attack was a real as a grenade going off.
I felt myself reeling a bit inside, working to find a place to steady my feet again. As I drove into the office with my local christian radio station playing in the background my head was filled with thoughts of quitting and considerations of how to live smaller.
The words of Ephesians 6 began to filter through the wreckage in my head....
10 Finally, my brethren, be strong in the Lord and in the power of His might. 11Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil. 12 For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age,[c]against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places. 13 Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand.
14 Stand therefore, having girded your waist with truth, having put on the breastplate of righteousness, 15 and having shod your feet with the preparation of the gospel of peace; 16 above all, taking the shield of faith with which you will be able to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked one. 17 And take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God; 18 praying always with all prayer and supplication in the Spirit, being watchful to this end with all perseverance and supplication for all the saints— 19 and for me, that utterance may be given to me, that I may open my mouth boldly to make known the mystery of the gospel, 20 for which I am an ambassador in chains; that in it I may speak boldly, as I ought to speak.
I took a breath and settled a bit.
Stand.
I prayed and asked God to meet me in the mess, then I opened up my iTunes and put my headphones in starting a play list given to me by a friend. The words to the songs in my "solitude" list began to play....
"Jesus, garden of my rest..." For now the flaming arrows have been extinguished.
posted by Tracy Johnson
Over the years I have learned that the question is not "if" I will experience the attack of the enemy the question is "when". Evil never fails to show up to fuss with me.
Fussing will include unlimited amounts of distraction, disappointment with friends and family, illness, and attacks aimed at taking away my face.
This morning I found myself fussed with and wanting to hide my face, believing the current lie being snarled that my beauty is a joke and it is pointless to try and stay alive and offer my heart to those I love most.
The attack was a real as a grenade going off.
I felt myself reeling a bit inside, working to find a place to steady my feet again. As I drove into the office with my local christian radio station playing in the background my head was filled with thoughts of quitting and considerations of how to live smaller.
The words of Ephesians 6 began to filter through the wreckage in my head....
10 Finally, my brethren, be strong in the Lord and in the power of His might. 11Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil. 12 For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age,[c]against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places. 13 Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand.
14 Stand therefore, having girded your waist with truth, having put on the breastplate of righteousness, 15 and having shod your feet with the preparation of the gospel of peace; 16 above all, taking the shield of faith with which you will be able to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked one. 17 And take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God; 18 praying always with all prayer and supplication in the Spirit, being watchful to this end with all perseverance and supplication for all the saints— 19 and for me, that utterance may be given to me, that I may open my mouth boldly to make known the mystery of the gospel, 20 for which I am an ambassador in chains; that in it I may speak boldly, as I ought to speak.
I took a breath and settled a bit.
Stand.
I prayed and asked God to meet me in the mess, then I opened up my iTunes and put my headphones in starting a play list given to me by a friend. The words to the songs in my "solitude" list began to play....
"Jesus, garden of my rest..." For now the flaming arrows have been extinguished.
If you are joining us next week I suspect you may have stories of your own, similar to mine from this morning. If so, know that you are not alone! We are praying for you as you prepare to join us.
For those of you who won't be with us next week I invite you to pray for all of us gathering to walk into the tender terrain of people's wounded hearts.
posted by Tracy Johnson
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